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Filter by post type All posts. Grid View List View. Middle School Moments. NOT MY STORY So in 6th grade everyone was talking about having boyfriends an always had their lives all perfect an I decided I wanted to be like them an I lied telling them I had this great boyfriend an I lost my virginity an after that it blew up in my face an was bullied getting called a whore an slut an rude comments since then I never was able to trust people an myself..

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An episode about a father and his daughter to strengthen family bonds

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I took it for granted that our children would be healthy and that their births would by trouble free. Thank you all lovely people. Teething is now in full effect and the girls want us to know all about it.

An email would have sufficed but it seems they'd rather use their voices to get the message across that they really aren't enjoying this stage of development.

Its not straight screaming, it's more like the sound a wounded animal might make that just wants to end it all. I can't blame them though, it's like a mini scene from 'Alien' in there at the moment, just in very very slow motion and of course teeth don't then go on to kill you and the crew of your ship so a few subtle differences but essentially the same.

Developed a New product this evening - child shoes. They cost a fortune, stop you from achieving anything, age you dramatically, are never clean despite washing them regularly and never go in the direction you ask them to.

Come to think about it, these sound terrible. Back to the drawing board After long day of walking around and playing, The twins needed a bath and I needed a wash so day 2 of dadtakeover ended like this.

I dont run baths just for myself I'm a man after all. In theory this sharing of a bath was a good idea. In reality it felt like I was an uninvited blue whale who'd gatecrashed a private spa for small people.

If looks from babies could kill, I'd have been dead for sure. Strategically placed flannels were used in the taking of this picture.

And yes I took the picture on a tripod before people ask! Im on my own! On to day 3. If there is one thing that us dads are good for its being used as a mobile human climbing frame.

We're practicing our routine for britain's got talent, the talent being how many family members can hang off me kind of a real life buckaroo game before I slip a disc and crumple into a pathetic mess crying like a child who's grazed their knee for the first time.

Come see us on the BGT tour next year. Should I get offended that when I'm in charge of dressing the girls, instead of being given free rein to 'get creative' and use my couture fashion eye to create a 'wow' outfit that will catch the eye and imagination, I walk into their room and find that all the clothes are laid out already.

Granted I have a tendency to dress them as boys, and will invariably forget the importance of layers, and that spots and strips clash, and that socks are essential, and that a baby grow doesn't count as day wear, and that I dress them the same, i cant tell them apart for the rest if the day, but surely if you give me a chance, the law of averages will mean I'll get it right one day!

Someone call crime watch! I took this picture of a guy getting mugged in broad day light today. The 2 confidence tricksters are known in the local area and ply their trade by pretending to love their victims and then, when their guard is down, scratching their faces to pieces, pulling their hair and dribbling on them until they are given milk or rice cakes.

The suspects are described as looking exactly the same, to the degree that their father cant tell them apart.

They are around 2. Some previous victims had said they smell like a childrens play centre toilets but that has yet to be confirmed.

The one on the left is like, "sis I told you I smush the right eye, you smush the left". Some hand-me-downs, some brand new.

We offer up the hand made, ethically sourced, non toxic, bespoke blocks made from organic, carbon offset wood, lovingly sourced from Norway.

They look down their nose at them with disgust, decide they're tosh and toss them to one side. Then they go on a rampage to find keys, my wallet, my phone, anything that resembles a remote control and plastic packaging.

If that fails, they bug me until i give up the goods. These two have been round my ankles all day, literally.

I've been walking around as if there's broken glass on the floor to avoid stepping on them no one wants to hear that cry you get when you accidentally tread on a small hand that's not where it should be - that's the point when you give yourself the 'shittest parent of the day' award.

At least they do a good job of cleaning the floors, I should put Polish down and strap a rag to their stomachs.

Might as well get them to pull their weight from an early age. FYI the tiles are from best tile UK. Encaustic Moroccan cement tiles.

The wonders of modern technology. Why, oh why did I give my eldest an ipod touch? Yes, its great to stay in contact while im away but my inbox is now full of emoji based spam from my bored daughter.

The emoji poo is a firm favourite. Today while in meetings, I convinced her that because I'm 8 hours ahead of her I.

Took her a while to figure out that wasn't actually the case, made me laugh though! Why does bathtime always involve cramming as many family members into one of the smallest rooms in the house at the same time?

I guess the eldest 2 like it as it's like a cheap version of the sea life centre. They get to watch these weird pink slippery things splash about and generally contort themselves out of these chairs while sucking the life out of some sponges.

Clemmie and I are there just play life guards and crowd control. I should charge admission. Actually, forget it - Health and safety would definitely shut us done.

Last night - "Oh daddy, remember to make our woodland themed costumes for school tomorrow! They were woodland fairies FYI.

That's a pretty clever and creative idea, using wire hangers and plastic film to make wings. You're an awesome dad. What do you get if you cross claires accessories with 4 girls, 2 of whom who have just drank a coke, and a tired dad?

There's just too many of them, you get one and the other sods off to hide in the hair bands - I can hear the giggling, I just can't see them through the haze of pink and sparkles.

At least i found the tiara i was after. I look Bangin'! I remember my husband getting his hair and nails done by our girls.

And we only have two!!!! Another monday, another last minute rush to the shops to avoid the armageddon I. I basically live in this aisle of the supermarket now.

New parents seem to gravitate to me as an "experienced parent" i. I used to use my brain to solve global corporate wide problems. I now use it to calculate bulk buy discounts.

Reading at bed time can be a pain in the ass, especially when you've got 'important' adult things to do, but that's no excuse to not to do funny voices for the characters in the story.

But what if you didn't do them? They may lose interest and decide books are boring. They may not read much as they grow up, leaving them intellectually and culturally stunted.

They might jack in school and start hanging with the wrong crowd. They may end up in a dead-end job they hate and drink too much.

They may get evicted from their 1 bed squat and end up living under a bridge, sniffing stolen marker pens with a guy called crazy bob who eats pigeons.

Day 2 since the clocks changed and the girls are still not adjusted anyone else struggling with this?! So at 6. Morning voices seem not to exist in our house.

Clever woman. The other pictures looked somewhat sugarcoated The house looked too perfect, but this, with all the mess, the clothes laying around This is the real thing.

I seem to forget to feed myself sometimes. I can get to 5pm and realise I've had nothing other than a cup of tea that's been microwaved 5 times and has a skin on it that's thicker than I feel after watching a documentary of dark matter.

The twins, on the other hand, get 3 square meals a day spooned directly into their mouths. They have absolutely zero loyalty or compassion for me.

The look of the one in the back:"What's the weird guy doing with my spoon? Leave it alone and feed me NOW! After dressing the twins as pink fisherman and managing to navigate passed the people selling flashing swords and whirling things without parting with money, we celebrated bonfire night in style.

It was all worth it to see the twins faces when the fireworks started. Fun night out in Crystal palace. What's life if you can't make a mess and have fun doing it now and again.

Beer time Ottie's teething has made her as clingy as a winter cold and she refuses to be put down on the floor at the moment, so I'm doing everything with a 9 month old surgically grafted onto my chest.

This includes baking with mixed success - Her feet were just at the right height to kick the butter, the flour and my manhood, several times.

I find it almost impossible not to take over and mix things properly but i must let them make a complete hash of it, so they learn too.

I'm sure the cookies will taste fine and we can just pick out the egg shell. I'm also almost certain that no snot made it into the bowl either so that's a real a bonus.

The curse of being called Simon when at a children's birthday party - I am immediately rolled out for the obligatory game of 'Simon says'. Of course I take it easy to start with and filter out those that can't keep up.

After separating the wheat from the chaff, we get to the hard core pros who know their stuff. I finally kill them all off with the old stand on one leg, close one eye and stick out your tongue.

The remaining kids think I'm taking it too seriously, get bored and run off leaving me looking like a proper tool. Let alone force it for so long.

I suspect the photographer actively tried to capture upsets, as well as happiness. It's part of life and he was capturing 18 years of life I saw it too- I teared up wondering what made her sad and how it reflected from then on.

Even in the last one, the smile doesn't quite reach out. What an amazing dad, and a stunning daughter.

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